Dear Dear Leader

Dear Dear Leader:

I am a dedicated worker at your prolific and powerful Ryu Kyong-su Tank Factory. It is an honor to serve you and the Motherland through my work, but, Dear Leader, I have to walk nearly 13 kilometers to get to work each day and my one pair of standard-issue unification shoes have nearly worn through. I deferentially ask if it would be possible for more cars to be made available to steadfast comrades like myself?

- Your Humble Servant who would Walk Through Fire to Defend Your Sacred Name

Dear Humble Servant who would Walk Through Fire to Defend My Sacred Name:

Thank you for your letter - it made my day … until Jeff told me you weren’t joking. My father, the Great General and Guiding Sun Ray, warned me that this generation of comrades was growing weak with its incessant want for things like “food” and “less torture.” Perhaps I should raise the minimum work day from 17 to 18 hours to teach you a lesson? LOL!

Instead, I will answer your question. Contrary to whatever Western propaganda you’ve heard, the DPRK is currently the only country in the world that produces functional cars - any other “car” you may have seen was likely a painted piece of cardboard or a hologram. With this knowledge, you can understand why I cannot make more cars available - if I’m going to make our South Korean enemies pay for their “thrice-cursed crimes” (TM Kim Jong-Un, 2012), I need tanks!!! What else do you expect me to ride around in during our daily military parades - a Pyeongwha?  Gross!  : I

Dear Dear Leader:

What changes to our Great & Venerable nation can we expect now that your father, our Peerless Leader & the Sun of Socialism, has been laid to rest?

- Your Humble Servant who Dreams of Basking in Your Perfect Light, Sunch’on DPRK

Dear Humble Servant who Dreams of Basking in My Perfect Light:

Thanks for writing in, my curious subject! First, for implying that change is needed in our Holy and Perfect Nation, you will be tracked down by my military police and publicly humiliated in the streets of Sunch’on.  Then you and your family will be relocated to one of our Glorious Work Camps for the People where your youngest children will be assigned to latrine duty for life. LOL! :P

To answer your question, it is absolutely imperative to honor the traditions established by my father and grandfather, but I also want to inject my own “flair” into the lives of my blessed citizens. First, a new public holiday will be added to our calendar: 17 February shall henceforth be known as “His Airness Day” in honor of the celestial birth of Michael Jordan. Second, just as “No Motherland Without You” was written in musical homage to my father, I will request that Montell Jordan’s “This is How We Do it” be played at every public event I attend.  Lastly, I will increase our contact with Western emissaries by allowing Australia to open its first Outback Steakhouse in the DPRK. I am tired of ordering bloomin’ onions by air mail. :(

Dear Dear Leader:

Do they know it’s Christmas in North Korea?

- A Wretched and Pointless Western Idiot

Dear Wretched and Pointless Western Idiot:

I asked my manservant, Jeff (formerly a Western idiot “journalist” who wandered into our country to “take pictures” and now serves me until he either dies or is buried alive with me), about this “Christmas.” He started to tell me the story of a tiny infant who rules over the Middle East with an Iron Fist, but I fell asleep once he got to the part about the baby telling people to “love each other.” So boring! LOL! 

I asked Jeff what this baby has to do with the fat, bearded Supreme Commander who forces his flying deer slaves to deliver gifts to fat, non-bearded Capitalist pig children, but he distracted me with a roasted turkey leg. I hope all you Western idiots enjoyed celebrating your greediness and sloth today!  In your honor, I will make Jeff lose to me at Dance Dance Revolution for 5 straight hours. :P

Dear Dear Leader:

I am the proud mother of three children, all of whom would gladly surrender their weekly allotment of gruel to Michael Jordan so that he might keep up with your athletic prowess. However, some days they just won’t listen to me.  How can I get them to behave?

- Your Humble Servant who Basks in Your Light as the Sun of All People, Kaesong, DPRK

Dear Humble Servant who Basks in My Light as the Sun of All People:

Congratulations on producing three expendable soldiers for the Revolutionary Cause! I look forward to adding them to my list of military assets when they reach the mandatory enlistment age of 10.  : )

If your spoiled brats are not complying with your wishes now, you have two options:

1) Send them to work at one of our many glamorous tungsten mines! Their safety records are excellent: only between 10-100 workers die per day - usually of asphyxiation. LOL!

2) Do what my father did - pit each sibling against the other in a vicious power struggle and see who comes out alive!  This process will reward the most clever and resourceful of your children, which is the one you’d want to keep anyway. :D

Lastly, your children’s offering of gruel to Michael Jordan is offensive. They, like all good minions, should know that demigods only consume endangered tiger meat and Gatorade.  Please tell them to stop being idiots immediately or I’ll send my military guard to arrest them (I think I just came up with option #3!!!).